“You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, someone not everyone knows how to love.”
― Warsan Shire
I usually reserve getting deep touchy feely on my personal Facebook page. All my friends – and listeners probably too – know I love Beyoncé.
When Lemonade dropped, it was April 23rd in the year of our Bey 2016. I will recap my life: I was working at a very shitty hotel, I was contemplating going back into sex work, I was trying and failing to find local doctors who would work with me. I also was crushing hard on a guy, and he brushed me off cold turkey. My family was rejecting me left and right that I decided to make the step to transition, because my insurance told me I was approved to pursue whatever I desire – the catch was no one local would give me hormones or even consider surgery. I was low.
After the invention of digital downloading of music and iTunes, I rarely bought a whole album. But Beyoncé is the one exception where I’ve bought two complete albums – her self titled album, and Lemonade. After I downloaded it, I heard the words of Warsan Shire and Beyoncé. It touched upon my relationships: past and current (and would be near future), my issues with my father and looking like him, and also being independent and empowering ones self. I ended up pursuing the transgender clinic in Boston, which is a bit aways from me. I finally found competent care and once I got testosterone I felt accomplished. I even got the courage from friends and the lyrics from this album to go ahead and make this very podcast.
Yesterday, I was told that I have to lose 15-20 pounds before the surgeons will remove my breasts. I take this in, and feel emboldened.
I listen to it today, where it is the second month anniversary of taking testosterone. I traveled by bus to my haircut with it playing in my ear buds. I sang it in the shower and also when I was talking to a few would be play partners about boundaries, and told a few clients who have been dodging payment that they “..can watch my fat ass twist boy, as I bounce to the next dick boy” (Don’t Hurt Yourself). I set up a small talk session for next week while humming 6 Inch, and while I write this now and make some food I am dancing to Formation.
As said by Hattie White, Jay Z’s grandmother, on her 90th birthday:
I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons, but I made lemonade.